4 Years Ago

Four years ago Mother's Day was hard.

Every year now around Mother's Day I think back to that year and I'm even more thankful for the two little blessings I have been given.

Let's go back to that year for a moment.  Matthew and I had been trying for about a year and a half to get pregnant.  I was trying a little harder than him, he was okay with waiting a little while and had faith in God's timing while me not so much I wanted a baby now.  I was to the point where every pregnancy announcement by a friend or aquaintence was enough to send me to tears.  I wanted to be pregnant so bad.  I wanted a baby, and I was starting to worry it wasn't going to happen for me.  That year we had a big get together for Mother's Day with one of the sides of my family and when it was time to eat, my dad said "okay all the mommies get to go first"  I lost it!  I broke down in tears.  I wanted to be a "mommy".  Little did I know I would find out in the 2 weeks I was expecting ( so for those of you who haven't figured it out, I already was pregnant on Mother's Day just didn't know it, haha which may explain some of the extreme emotions I had, had in the weeks leading up to that day)

Now looking back I can also tell you, it was God's plan all along.  I think about the extra time alone Matthew and I accomplished and the things we did.  We were remodeling a house like major remodeling and I can't imagine having a baby during that time.  Then the October before I had Noah my parents announced to us they were getting a divorce.  It was totally unexpected and something that has forever changed a lot of aspects of my life and who I am.  It was a  few really tough years following that.  But that news was in October and in January Noah, our first was born.  It was perfect timing.  His name means peacemaker, and he truly was.  He brought a broken family together.  He helped turn all of my daily tears to joy.  He gave me something else to think about and focus on.  He lived up to his name and helped give us a new joy!

For those of you that have been trying and I'm sure some of you have been waiting longer, and it hasn't happened yet, I'm  so sorry.  I have friends who want to be mom's and have waited longer than I did.  I pray for them a lot, because I know the feeling and can't imagine waiting longer than I did. I understand that desire and the pain in "waiting".  If that's you, let me know I would love to add you onto my momma in waiting prayer list!  I also want to encourage also to enjoy the time you have now, time to do what you want.  Time to do things with your husband and hobbies you enjoy .  I know you probably hear that a lot and some days it may make you mad, but you never realize how awesome being alone and having no one to care for sometimes is until you don't have that option anymore.  I wish I would have just relaxed more and had more faith that it was going to happen when it was time.  Someday when you become a mom, I'm sure you will look back and be thankful for some of the extra moments you had and see how well the timing of your little was actually was!

If you are waiting I would love to know and will honestly pray for you!

To all you current mom's Happy Mother's Day, we truly have the best ( but sometimes incredibly hard) job on the planet!

Letting my Boys be Kids

My Random thoughts for today.....

Last Wednesday was one of those annoying, frustrating, grumpy days.  The boys seemed extra whiny all morning and didn't want to play.  It also was one of those days when the events of the day seemed to be like such a big deal at the time, and now looking back and talking about it to a friend I realized how small and insignificant all the "bad" things of the day were.

 I really started to go downhill in mood and get my tail feathers ruffled that afternoon after Noah woke up from his nap.  I won't go through all of the events but here were the kickers.

Noah  just wanted to roll around on the couch and cry and whine, and it just really pushed my buttons because I didn't want Carson waking up.  I started to freak out (which usually doesn't help, I never fail to try it anyway)  and made things worse.  After he calmed down he asked for daddy who was working outside so I gladly helped him go out and see what dad was up to.  As I sat inside, I just thought about how I acted and was embarassed.  Noah is only 3, and I was expecting way more out of him than he was even able to comprehend.  He was waking up, still tired, and wanted something but instead I just sshhh'd him and got mad at him for letting out his emotion.

He played outside for awhile and around dinner I went out to check on him.   I stepped out into the garage to see his play shoes, the ones that I had put on his feet.  I look over at the shoe shelf to see that his new nice tennis shoes were MIA.

Momma was steaming.  I just just finished laundry  for the day.  I had just washed all the boys tennis shoes.
I walked out to see Noah playing in the mud his daddy was making from washing off his tractor in his new shoes, jeans, and brand new never worn before WHITE Old Navy tee.

Now in retrospect... And reading the print here.  Really Not that big of a deal. There are real problems going on right now everywhere in the world but at that moment, I was madder than a hornet and the rest of the day was done for and it SEEMED like a big deal.

In case you were wondering what happened to the shoes I put on him, I forgot to mention he changed them himself without his father knowing because they were "squeaky"  meaning he got them wet and then wanted a nice dry clean pair to wear!

I got so worked up, I had the worse tension headache all night, I sulked, didn't talk to anyone, and went to bed right when the boys went because my head couldn't take it anymore.  I ruined my day because of a reaction I let myself have to something so minute.  Why is it so hard letting go of things some times?

I expect a lot from people.  I expect them to know what I want.  I expect them to act how I want them to act.  I expect my kids to be perfect when perfection doesn't exist.  I expect them to never act like "typical" boys and not make messes.  And what I realized is so many times, I expect my kids to not act like kids.  I expect them to understand what I do and care for my house like I do and it's not possible!  Heck some adults can't even fathom being neat and clean like I expect my house to be.

This morning  I got to stay home with my boys.  I needed to go get groceries, but instead we stayed home. I wanted to play and make messes with them.  I wanted to see their 1 and 3 year old smiles and hear their laughter.  I tried to mask my expectations and just things be!  I watched them be kids!

Time for a Confession

Yesterday I posted this picture of my boys.  They were sitting at the island eating lunch and having a good ole time at this moment.  

Some would look at this picture and think....

Aww look at those sweet boys have fun.  

They must get along so well.  

Man, I wish my day was going better, my child has been a grump.

What this picture doesn't  show is that Carson just got done throwing a 20 minute screaming fit before I got him up here to eat.

It doesn't show that there is shredded cheese and other food all over the floor below them.

That after this picture I yelled at each of them about 20 times to eat and stop playing. 

That their mom is trying to get her breathe because her dumb panic attacks were acting up.  

Pictures can say a lot, but not everything.  

I have to be careful because with social media, I'm always comparing myself to other mommas, my boys to other kids and it's because every day I'm seeing the good of others lives, their "highlight reel" as so many people are calling facebook and instagram now.  

After I posted this picture I had that feeling of guilt for making it look like we were having a great morning. And honestly it wasn't that bad but it was one of those that was an extreme roller coaster .  We were all up or down, and that is pretty much life with little ones I've come to realize.  But I just wanted to encourage all you mommas and even women in general.  Stop comparing yourselves and your lives to others pictures.  Pictures are merely a picture and can show happiness but doesn't always show the whole story! 

Someday I am going to loose them

One day last week Matthew was working on replacing a fan in the living room that was smoking the night before ( It was only a few months old so we got a replacement) and my boys wanted to be right there with him working on it.  They were climbing up the ladder, Noah was doing everything he could to help him.  Carson was trying to carry screwdrivers up to give to him as well. Listening to Noah talk to him about what he was doing and asking what he needed blessed me a lot.

Then I got to thinking about how I get annoyed some days that they only want to be with me.  Most of  the time it doesn't matter what Matthew is doing both boys want to be right where I am, asking me for everything and hanging on me legs.  I'll be in the shower, getting ready or in the kitchen cooking and they want to be there.  Matthew can try to get them in the playroom but they just run right back to find me.  Somedays it's hard and frustrating because I want to be left alone for a few minutes.  It doesn't seem fair sometimes that it's always mom, mom gets tired darnit.  I get jealous of Matthew that he can just chill on the couch for a few minutes and not get bothered.  When I'm frustrated it's hard to explain it to him because the way the kids are with him is just different.

Then as I sat and watched this

I realized someday I will loose their constant attention on me.  They are boys.  They are going to want to do everything dad does outside.  They will want to fix things with him.  They will want to play ball with him.  They will want to water the plants, and mow the yard. They will want to work on the tractors with daddy. They will want to pull weeds and play with bugs.  Pretty much all the boy stuff that I'm so not into.

Someday I will wish they were inside with me, asking me for a snack, to color or to play with trains.  I will miss them wanting their moms constant attention.  I will miss them just sitting with me and reading books.  Someday I will miss them needing me so much.  With that, I'm going to try and remember this time is short.  It's hard and it's challenging every day but I know someday I will look back on these toddler years and remember how fun and cute this stage was.  And I will probably be doing that while watching them hang out with their daddy and give anything to have them little again.